After torturing myself from watching Fantastic Four, the new cash grab reboot by 20th Century Fox to hold on to the film rights to Marvel Comics’ legendary superhero team, I’m convinced that the film studio doesn’t know what to do with this franchise. How bad was Fantastic Four? Let’s put it this way, not only does it make the Tim Story Fantastic Four films seem like Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy films, but I would rather watch Batman & Robin again than sit through this monstrosity one more time. Seriously, at least those films can be enjoyed on an “it’s so bad, it’s hysterical” level while drunk or high. This dreary, dour film doesn’t even have that guilty pleasure value.

I’m not exaggerating when I say this film is an insult to the Fantastic Four and to superhero films. It’s obvious that almost everyone involved in this film from director Josh Trank to the actors don’t respect the source material or have a clue as to what made the comic book work. At least, Tim Story had enough sense to pay homage to the comic books and captured many parts of it like the banter, the feeling of family, the sense of fun. All of that is missing here. The cast has no synergy, there isn’t any joy or excitement or even adventure with this reboot. Instead Josh Trank gives us a pretentious and sloppily slapped together mess that is evidence that control of the film was taken away from him in post production. Not that it helped.

There are half-hearted attempts in the first third to create some character developments, but then they’re dropped. For instance, when Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan) is confronting his father Franklin (Reg. E. Cathey, who gives the best performance in this cesspool), there is a hint that he is jealous of his adopted sister Sue (Kate Mara), but it’s never brought up again. Remember how Johnny would always tease Ben Grimm in the comics and earlier films? That only happens once, at the end. That’s right, and it Johnny’s sole attempt at humor came off as being mean-spirited for no good reason. The opening third tries to copy Spielberg’s sense of wonder, but all I got where endless scenes of people looking at blueprints and computer screens and Reed Richards (Miles Teller) wandering around hallways and spouting exposition. It isn’t until forty five minutes into a ninety-minute film that the characters get their powers and basically not do much with them until the end.

Then without warning, Fantastic Four becomes a poor man’s David Cronenberg body horror film, which was kind of intriguing, but undeveloped especially with Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell). What could’ve been a good showcase for him is a lost opportunity and that’s a @!#$ shame because in this muddle there is a nugget of something that could’ve been stellar. The other attempt at body horror is actually quite laughable. When Reed Richards is first shown all stretched out on an exam table like a Stretch Armstrong doll I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes on how silly he looked.

Finally, Fantastic Four completely goes off the rails in the final third that tries to be an action superhero film, but collapses when the villain Victor Von Doom (Tobey Kebbell) appears. This version of Dr. Doom incredibly redeems the Tim Story version! Doom here just shows up in the last fifteen minutes or so, blows up people’s heads with telekinesis and screams corny lines about the evils of humanity. He doesn’t look menacing but like a stupid combo of the Mummy and a metallic Freddy Krueger. This Doom has none of his comic book counterpart’s bravado and power. The only merciful thing to say about Dr. Doom is that his screen time is so short you can take a bathroom break when he first appears and he’ll gone by the time you return. BTW, most of those clips you’ve seen in the trailers don’t appear in the finished film.

Oh God, I have a headache right now thinking about the film. I’m going to pull out my old Fantastic Four DVDs to wash out the memories of witnessing this summer’s real Trainwreck. I think I’ll also go see Ant-Man again this weekend for good measure. With that let me conclude this review with an open letter to 20th Century Fox:

Dear Fox:

Your company has struck out three times with the Fantastic Four. Each time you tried to improve the film franchise you only dug the grave deeper for the First Family of Marvel superheroes. Now you have released what will be known as one of the worst superhero films. You clearly don’t understand why they launched the Marvel Comics phenomenon and this reboot is a disrespect to the First Family and its fans.

By refusing to let the rights go back to Marvel and making bad films, you’re ruining your reputation and good will. Honestly, I’m questioning if I should bother to pay money to see more X-Men films and their spinoffs.

You’ve tried, but we’re getting diminishing returns here. Be honest with yourself and your shareholders. The bottom line is the dollar, but by continuing to produce these insulting adaptations you are alienating viewers and are putting your future profit at risk.

OK, keep the X-Men franchise, you’ve done good with it for the most part and there’s word that you want to do a TV show based on those mutants. Well, since you need to negotiate with Marvel for the TV rights, why not earn some cred and give the Fantastic Four rights back to Marvel? Don’t be a tool and hold onto the rights for another five or seven years then crank out another piece of crap out of spite. Just let it go.

Waldermann Rivera